JOKES YOU CAN SAFELY USE WITHOUT FEAR OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Published by HumorMall.com
Edited by SM Cerce
©June, 2009 Vol.11, No. 4
ISSN: 1527-3873

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This Week

41. The other day I was at the races and when the horses broke I knew my horse wouldn't win - not with that bag of oats still tied to his nose.
42. I come from a family of short people. The truth is, everyone in my home town was short. The mortician used a Volkswagen for the hearse.
43. The neighborhood I grew up in was so bad, every time there was a gust of wind it rained fleas. NOTE: This joke can be set up "My dad used to tell me about the hard times when he was growing up..." or "When you are starting out as a speaker, you don't always get the best bookings. I once had to speak in a neighborhood..."
44. (HOSTILE AUDIENCE) This looks like a B.Y.O.N. party. Bring your own noose! NOTE: Could be used when chairing a meeting of disgruntled attendees.

NOTE: The next three lines would be better for a comedian/humorist than for a non-humorist speaker:

45. (HECKLER) Hey, why keep bugging me? I told you outside. I don't have any spare change.
46. (HECKLER) All right, who let this guy in here? He's stepping on my punchlines before I do.
47. (DRUNK) Sure he drinks a lot, but he's celebrating tonight. Tomorrow the doctors take the cast off his liver.
48. I visited the New York Stock Exchange once. I'll tell you what it was like. Imagine every Italian in New York ordering a pizza at the same time.
49. I just had a wild thought. Which came first? Chicken Little or Humpty Dumpty?
50. He who builds a better mousetrap, will find Congress voting a better mousetrap tax.

June, 2009

01. In an attempt to dispel some of the feeling that students were just cruising through college, UC Santa Cruz will now give letter grades. The administration immediately created a series of support groups to help students with the change - the first group will explain what letters are.
02. Fate can be ironic at times. All his life my grandfather said that words would never hurt him. Yesterday he died when a Webster's Dictionary fell on his head.
03. We kept hearing our neighbor's teenager complain about how difficult it was trying to find himself. Then he washed off all his Clearasil - and there he was!
04. I didn't realize how much modern technology was affecting our life until I opened a Chinese cookie and the fortune was written in Java-script.
05. Words of wisdom my father taught me: "Never trust a dentist who mixes your fillings from a recipe in a Betty Crocker Cook Book."
06. I think my dentist might be into S&M. Hanging on the wall of his office are bull whips made from dental floss.
07. Somehow my insurance man doesn't lend an air of security and permanence. Maybe it's because he's the only businessman I know who uses a paper mache briefcase.
08. I just visited a cemetery where they only bury former secretaries. You could tell. All the tombstone epitaphs were in shorthand.
09. I know one psychiatrist who's doing a landslide business ever since he covered the ceiling around his couch with Playboy centerfolds.
10. My neighbor's psychiatrist kept telling him "Reach out to your fellow man." Now he's a purse snatcher.
11. My brother is all thumbs. Which is actually quite convenient since he hitch-hikes a lot.
12. Let's face it. These days, commuting by public transportation is a body contact sport.
13. Ever get the feeling that (LOCAL TAXI COMPANY) considers driving school graduates over-qualified?
14. My friend wanted to buy a new Mercedes. The salesman said, "To drive it off the lot it's $5000. My friend said, "Only $5,000 for a Mercedes?" The salesman said, "No, the car is $49,500. The $5,000 is for a tank of gas to go."
15. A recent study shows that over 200,000 people are addicted to cyber porn. Did you ever think you'd see the day when you would hear people say, "Yeah, I surf the net - but I'm only gonna do it till I need glasses."
16. My uncle has been a member of Alcoholics Anonymous for 10 years. He joined because of a misunderstanding. He thought it was for people who wanted to drink anonymously.
17. My father has smoked over three packs of cigarettes a day for thirty years. Now when he goes in for his physical the doctor doesn't say, "Breathe deeply," he says, "Breathe louder."
18. I've never had much luck with giving speeches. It usually takes me 6 weeks to write a speech, 6 days to rehearse it, and 6 seconds to botch it.
19. In the stock market I'm what's known as a flip flop investor. As soon as I invest my money, that's what my stomach starts doing.
20. Formula for success: Think positively! To hell with reality!
21. (HECKLER) Sir, I do enjoy talking to you but I wish you'd hold up your end of the conversation by keeping quiet.
22. (SINGLE LOUD LAUGHER) If you had brought the rest of the family, I'd really look good.
23. You know, they have computer chips that are approaching humans' ability to reason. The other day one asked the boss if it could go to its motherboard's funeral.
24. My neighbor is so negative about every thing. In alphabetical order, his resume service lists the jobs he's been fired from.
25. A diplomat is someone who can get sympathy from his wife by telling her his mistress doesn't understand him.
26. Sure my ship came in. But only after it dumped 35 tons of oil in the bay!
27. Lately there has been a lot of emphasis on products that work at different levels of efficiency. Just the other day I saw a commercial for a ten-speed laxative.
28. My neighbor is having a terrible problem with his new Obamabile car brakes. It's really interesting to see a compact car come equipped with an anchor.
29. As you know, two weeks ago I was in the hospital for surgery. When they put me back on solids, my first dinner was a Chinese meal. The fortune cookie message must have been written by a doctor because I couldn't read it.
30. And you can get paranoid in a hospital. I could never get to sleep unless I was in a position to see my pants.
31. When I was in the hospital there was an intern observing my operation, and just before my anaesthesia took effect, I heard the intern ask my surgeon, "What is the best approach to this operation?" and my surgeon looked at Obama's new rules on medical care and said, "Cheap."
32. This guy goes to an optometrist and says, "Look Doc, I can't see straight." The optometrist says, "Good . . . you're in luck . . . I'm gay!"
33. I went to get some gas this morning. The man at the pump next to me took his trousers off and stuffed them in his gas tank. I said, "Why are you stuffing your trousers in your gas tank?" He said "I spilled some gas on them and at these prices I can't afford to waste it."
34. My barber had a subtle way of telling me I had a scalp problem. He said, "If dandruff were gold dust, you and I could make a fortune."
35. My barber just won't listen to me. I told him he'd do more business if only he'd hire a manicurist who doesn't moonlight as a longshoreman.
36. I (My cousin) works for one of those dot.com billionaires. The boss threw a party for all the employees at his/her home the other evening. What a mansion! To get to the bathroom from the living room, you have to hitch hike.
37. The mansion even had one of those sunken bathtubs. Deep? You need a diving bell to find the plug.
38. My brother-in-law has only himself to blame for his financial troubles. He does the dumbest things. Like pay $200 for a watch that only tells time when you hold it under boiling water.
39. I knew I was in for a good time when my girlfriend invited me over for a candlelight dinner in her shower. Note: This joke will work better if it is a female inviting a guy. You can change the set up: "My buddy", "My next door neighbor, "A guy at my gym told me..."
40. I have a friend who lives in Las Vegas and doesn't gamble. That's like an atheist living in the Vatican.
41. The other day I was at the races and when the horses broke I knew my horse wouldn't win - not with that bag of oats still tied to his nose.
42. I come from a family of short people. The truth is, everyone in my home town was short. The mortician used a Volkswagen for the hearse.
43. The neighborhood I grew up in was so bad, every time there was a gust of wind it rained fleas. NOTE: This joke can be set up "My dad used to tell me about the hard times when he was growing up..." or "When you are starting out as a speaker, you don't always get the best bookings. I once had to speak in a neighborhood..."
44. (HOSTILE AUDIENCE) This looks like a B.Y.O.N. party. Bring your own noose! NOTE: Could be used when chairing a meeting of disgruntled attendees.

NOTE: The next three lines would be better for a comedian/humorist than for a non-humorist speaker:

45. (HECKLER) Hey, why keep bugging me? I told you outside. I don't have any spare change.
46. (HECKLER) All right, who let this guy in here? He's stepping on my punchlines before I do.
47. (DRUNK) Sure he drinks a lot, but he's celebrating tonight. Tomorrow the doctors take the cast off his liver.
48. I visited the New York Stock Exchange once. I'll tell you what it was like. Imagine every Italian in New York ordering a pizza at the same time.
49. I just had a wild thought. Which came first? Chicken Little or Humpty Dumpty?
50. He who builds a better mousetrap, will find Congress voting a better mousetrap tax.

May, 2009

01. He's so crooked, he'd be guilty by association even if he was in solitary confinement.
02. He's so crooked, he's broken every law except the law of averages.
03. Not all terrorists are bright. They just caught one in Iraq trying to set-off a time bomb. He had attached 50 sticks of dynamite to a sundial.
04. He's so cheap, if money could buy happiness, he'd only shop at factory second stores.
05. How rich is Bill Gates? He doesn't have his car washed, he has it dry-cleaned.
06. Gates is so rich, the World Bank uses HIM for a reference/co-signer.
07. Obama says that when he leaves politics he's going to medical school where he plans to study cardiac surgery so he can specialize in giving transplants to bleeding heart liberals.
08. She/he does have a perspiration problem. The only way she/he can be sure is to use roll-on-cement.
09. Talk about being Dolly Parton being well endowed. When she gets a chest X-ray, it takes three sittings.
10. I'm the sensitive type. If I browse though playboy I break out in hickeys.
11. My wife comes from a small town. The utility bill was for gas, water, and candles.
12. She lived in a rural area. They didn't have a time recording. They had a time rooster.
13. New York is the only city where, if you look up to see the sky, you find it's a grey overcast with windows.
14. Show me a man listening for the patter of little feet, and I'll show you an exterminator looking for cockroaches.
15. Marriage isn't what it used to be. What it used to be is long lasting.
16. Faith is what you find in churches, synagogues, and people who attempt to make all their calls from a cell phone.
17. (AFTER PREPOSTEROUS STATEMENT) That doesn't make any sense. Like calling A.A. and getting a recording of hiccups.
18. I'll tell you what 2009 has been like. When it started I felt like I was going nowhere. Now I feel like I'm there two hours early.
19. Most politicians start out to do well --- but they end up well-to-do.
20. Lately my spouse has been trying a lot of exotic recipes. One night dinner will taste like it came from a Spanish restaurant, the next night it might taste like it came from an Italian restaurant, and the next night it might taste like it came from a Chinese Laundry.
21. Today's modern woman is infiltrating everywhere --- except into my apartment. (Tip for our non-performing readers: adapt the heckler lines below to comments on a celebrity's character.)
22. (HECKLER) Be careful on your way out sir. I wouldn't want you to trip over your ego.
23. (HECKLER) You'll have to excuse him folks. You see, in the 60's he took a lot of mind expanding drugs and they backfired.
24. (HECKLER) I don't know about this guy. I wouldn't hire him as a plant sitter if I had a house full of poison ivy.
25. (HECKLER) He's got a mind of his own. So much for small possessions.
26. (IF YOU GARBLE A PASSAGE) On the way from my brain to my mouth a couple of those words must have escaped through my ears.
27. That makes about as much sense as cue cards for Marcel Marceau. NOTE: An okay joke. Laugh will really depend on the stupidity of the idea you are comparing it to.
28. I was content to climb the corporate ladder until I took a look around and saw the boss' nephew passing me on the corporate escalator.
29. I work for the kind of company that gives you the benefit of the doubt --- only after you have admitted you're guilty.
30. Here's a news flash from Hollywood. The Poppin' Fresh doughboy had to be admitted to the Beverly Hills General Hospital because of a yeast infection.
31. I won't say what the cumulative effect of all those tanker spills are doing to the ocean but when was the last time you heard of tuna leaping INTO fish nets?
32. I'm not an expert so I don't really know if the oil spills are damaging to fish life, but the other day I saw a bass using Binaca.
33. Once I saw a UFO that had landed. Standing next to it were two extra-terrestrial beings. One was complaining, "What do you mean there's no Starbucks within three miles?"
34. Waddya think? All those UFO's rarely land in public places cause they're trying to avoid Customs?
35. Ever since Clinton and Lewinsky, one Washington D.C. congressman is so paranoid about a sex scandal, he won't even curl up with a good book.
36. My spouse is a person who has a compulsion for neatness. She'd even try to rearrange the furniture in a padded cell.
37. Sometimes I get the feeling my wife thinks sex is an idea who's time has gone.
38. I tried to do a little plumbing around the house and now it's a little embarrassing having to stand in the kitchen sink to take a shower.
39. Lately, nothing I do comes out right. I bought a cat --- it barks.
40. I'm a little worried about our mailman. Last week I found a pile of bones on the front walk and our dog was picking his teeth with a postcard.