JOKES YOU CAN SAFELY USE WITHOUT FEAR OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Published by HumorMall.com
Edited by SM Cerce
©May, 2008 Vol.10, No. 3
ISSN: 1527-3873

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This Week

11. My wife shouldn't have left the kids in charge of the kitchen when she went to visit her parents. To keep from washing dishes, my daughter is serving breakfast cereal on paper-plates.
12. I know the kids need to learn how to take care of their home. And they're sharp kids who think ahead. In fact, for our Memorial Day barbecue, they're sending out invitations on bottles of Pepto Bismol.
13. Homesick: What kids want to be on exam day.
14. Ugly? The doctor told her the only person who could lift her face was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
15. There's one good thing to be said about death. At least it's not habit forming.
16. (SPEAKER MATERIAL - IF YOU HAVE A RUNNY NOSE) I've had this cold so long, I'm thinking of declaring it as a dependent.
17. (HECKLER) Okay, now that you've got a buzz ON, why don't you buzz OFF!
18. My relatives are here tonight. They're the ones with the ear plugs.
19. You know they warned Katie Holmes about Tom Cruise. They didn't want to describe Tom as self-centered exactly - but he does have to rehearse to just be himself.
20. Paul McCartney is beginning to vent about his ex - Heather Mills. Said the first 90 days of their marriage were the three worst years of his life.

May, 2008

01. Have you noticed how nothing changes when you go on summer vacation? Except now the kids watch TV in their bathing suits.
02. All the recent news on living wills have influenced a lot of people. It made my daughter think about it and now she wants to will her body to Brad Pitt.
03. Paris Hilton believes in reincarnation and has left instructions in her living will for a wake-up call.
04. It’s amazing how young some of these Major League pitchers are. I just saw one that was so young, his rosin bag was filled with baby powder.
05. My kid brother wants to be a star baseball player and practices, practices, practices - doing TV commercials.
06. I don’t think he’s going to make it in the big leagues though. Who else pulls a muscle using the TV remote control.
07. Star Jones and soon to be ex - Al Reynolds never got along. I think it was because of a personality conflict — SHE has one.
08. (AFTER ELABORATE INTRODUCTION) I don’t want to say he used flowery language but, I think I’ve found pollen on the microphone.
09. (AFTER INTRODUCTION) I’ve been accused of being long-winded and ignoring my listeners’ comfort. Tonight, I’ve done something about it. Midway through my speech I’ve scheduled a breakfast break.
10. (AFTER DINNER) Tonight’s food reminded me of my youth. No, not my mother’s cooking – boot camp!
11. My wife shouldn't have left the kids in charge of the kitchen when she went to visit her parents. To keep from washing dishes, my daughter is serving breakfast cereal on paper-plates.
12. I know the kids need to learn how to take care of their home. And they're sharp kids who think ahead. In fact, for our Memorial Day barbecue, they're sending out invitations on bottles of Pepto Bismol.
13. Homesick: What kids want to be on exam day.
14. Ugly? The doctor told her the only person who could lift her face was Arnold Schwarzenegger.
15. There's one good thing to be said about death. At least it's not habit forming.
16. (SPEAKER MATERIAL - IF YOU HAVE A RUNNY NOSE) I've had this cold so long, I'm thinking of declaring it as a dependent.
17. (HECKLER) Okay, now that you've got a buzz ON, why don't you buzz OFF!
18. My relatives are here tonight. They're the ones with the ear plugs.
19. You know they warned Katie Holmes about Tom Cruise. They didn't want to describe Tom as self-centered exactly - but he does have to rehearse to just be himself.
20. Paul McCartney is beginning to vent about his ex - Heather Mills. Said the first 90 days of their marriage were the three worst years of his life.

April, 2008

1. Rumor is Paris Hilton told her boyfriend du jour their sex life was boring and she was going to surprise him. The next time he got in bed she introduced him to three sailors
2. Know what drives me up the wall? Not being able to see out of my windshield.
3. Today I saw a Chinese man hit three pedestrians. God knows what damage he could have done if he had been driving a car.
4. I might not agree with what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to be sued for saying it.
5. Parental groups have a big beef sexy ads. They say it sinks commercials down to the level of network programming.
6. Even with the economic downturn I'm doing better now. Last year I lost my maid, my chauffeur, my cook... That's right - my wife left me.
7. First my wife got tired of the way our kids were acting at the table. Had a bumper sticker printed: I BAKE FOR ANIMALS.
8. Then I told her she could dish it out. You just couldn't eat it.
9. But I got along okay without her. I'm resourceful. Like with house cleaning. I put the microscopes in all the bathrooms so when guests ask about the mold - I told 'em it was part of the kids' science project.
10. My wife finally took pity on me when she realized there were two kinds of men who don't understand woman. Young ones and old ones.
11. NEWS FLASH! Dateline New York... An ABC spokesman announced today that Hillary Clinton suffered a hernia attempting to get her foot out of her mouth.
12. NEWS FLASH! Dateline Africa... Anthropologists announced today the discovery of fossil evidence proving pre-historic mammals became extinct during one giant dinosaur demolition derby.
13. NEWS FLASH! Dateline Iowa City, Iowa... Local farmer claims UFO landed on his farm over the weekend. The alien is reported to have said, "Greetings. We are from the planet Illerom. We have traveled 237 billion miles. Take us to your bathroom."
14. I think the government is conducting secret mind control tests. Every time my uncle hears the name Eliot Spitzer, he plays "What I Did For Love" with his armpit.
15. God helps those who help themselves, and Washington those who don't.
16. Inflation is what turns a 50/50 proposition into 60/60.
17. Did you hear about that British couple who recently celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary? When asked what was the secret of their 80 years of wedded bliss, they both answered, "Just keep kissing, keep holding hands and keep breathing."
18. Enough is what would satisfy you if your neighbors didn't have more.
19. Angelina Jolie is playing tough with the press but it doesn't seem to be helping her much. A reporter managed to ask her what it's like appearing in films that a few years ago you couldn't even get developed.
20. When asked about living wills, Paris Hilton said she'd rather burn in hell than be cremated.
21. Naomi Campbell has more troubles. Decided to lose a few pounds and took some diet pills. It worked good! For 24 hours she didn't eat a thing. She was too busy trying to figure out how to get off her roof.
22. Heather Mills says she's so gorgeous she's the next thing to Katie Holmes - looks just like Tom Cruise.
23. Mills explained she has a problem with health food. Nothing to barbecue.
24. The ex-Mrs. Paul McCartney's idea of eating heathy is to avoid bars with Happy Hour featuring cookies and jelly rolls.
25. Mills is getting criticized for her clothing sense though. One paper said that if two moths ever got caught in her closet they'd scream - "Oh goody! Junk Food!"
26. Paul McCartney has been very careful not to trash his ex - Heather Mills. But rumors are flying. Supposedly Sir Paul said, "Except for the few times Heather got so mad she wouldn't talk to me, life was one long nightmare."
27. Paul said he didn't have trouble with anniversary dates. He could remember when they got married. He just couldn't remember why.
28. Obama has been having a lot of foot-in-the mouth moments lately. First he told a bunch of football players he's the MAN to be president. That he's so macho, has to shave with a hammer and chisel.
29. Then Obama tried to make a group of Iranian Americans feel good. He said he's proud things have loosed up so much in Iran. They now have a League of Women Voters - run by men.
30. Finally Obama attended a meet and greet party for Women Who Lose Their Inhibitions When They Drink support group. It was a cheese and wine tasting event.
41. Is Hillary Clinton getting old? Who else has "George Washington Slept Here" tattooed on the inside of her thigh?
42. I didn't say Heather Mills had a big mouth. I just said that when she goes to the beauty salon, her mud packs are size Extra Large.
43. After a series of vicious maulings, the mayor of London said, "It's time to get serious about pit bulls in this city. And I don't mean JUST Naomi Campbell!"
44. Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are denying rumors that they're splitting up. Tom also denies his pals gave him a Soon to Be Divorced present - a diaphragm for his inflatable doll
45. Daffynitions:


• Ebenezer Scrooge: Bah Tender.
• IUD: Labor Saving Device
• Highway Engineer: Roads Scholar
• Hush Money: Marcel Marceau's Salary
• Echo: Instant Resay
46. It's all a matter of perspective. To us, it's a feather. To Tonto, it's a top hat.
47. I took a body language class once. On our final exam they gave extra credit if you could read a belly dancer.
48. I can't give up smoking for health reasons. Coughing is the only exercise I get!
49. Once "Go to Hell" had meaning. Now it's interchangeable for directions to (JOKE CITY'S) bus system.
50. Sometimes kids are so cute. Like my seven year old describing cheese to his best bud as "milk that's had a hard life."
51.CREATIVE CURSES:

• May a school of sharks hold a smorgasbord in your sauna.
• May a stoned flamenco dancer practice on your stomach while squeezing your castanets.
• May a team of tattoo artists play tic-tac-toe on your tonsils.
• May a nutty nutritionist force you to snort a bowl of granola.
• May an unlicenced acupuncturist attempt to alleviate your arthritis with recycled harpoons.
52. My sister-in-law's idea of "togetherness" is a suicide pact.
53. The reason why Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are still together is that she knows how to sweet talk him (PAUSE) "Yes, Master..."
54. Katie Holmes has a certain something. And maybe some day they'll find a cure for him.
55. Al Gore has caught the notice of the Earthshoes company and they want him to be the spokes person for their new product - Earth Hats: Made for people who don't know which way's up.
56. Talk about truth in advertising. I just got a letter that said, "Congratulations! The odds are more than 100,000 to one that you are already a loser!"
57. I like to think of myself as part of the IN Crowd: insecure, ineffectual, inferior...
58. Remember the good old days when a club was something the neighborhood kids joined - not carried?
59. This guy really has a head on his shoulders - no neck!
60. Talk about huge. He's the only guy I know who has his own area code!