For Comedians, Speakers, Radio Personalities & Joke Lovers Everywhere...

JOKES YOU CAN SAFELY USE WITHOUT FEAR OF COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT
Published by HumorMall.com
Edited by SM Cerce
©February, 2012 Vol.12, No. 12
ISSN: 1527-3873

1. My oldest has only been driving three months and the neighbors are picketing City Hall. They're demanding the City put a stop sign at my garage door.

2. But my youngest takes the cake. Tried to run away from home but collapsed after one block. He would have gotten further if he hadn't tried to take the refrigerator.

3. I don't know why the kid's such a big eater considering my wife's cooking. Last Christmas, our guests amused themselves by taking the chocolate chips out of my wife's cookies with a screwdriver!

4. I think she's such a bad cook because of her mother. Whenever she would eat something fattening, her mom would say, "And what do you want to be when you grow OUT?"

5. Of course when it comes to the kitchen, my wife thinks I'M the one with the problem. Just 'cause I serve the kids breakfast cereal on paper plates.

6. Now my wife's brother is something else again. Got a lot of pull. I mean NOBODY is faster at opening pop-top beer cans.

7. Just learned my grandfather believed in reincarnation. Before he died, he left a wake-up call at the funeral home.

8. Having roommates has its advantages and disadvantages. Like this morning. Either I had some strange tasting Grape-Nuts or one of my roommates is re-cycling the coffee grounds.

9. One roommate is a real ladies man. You should see his "little black book." Even has a "yellow pages" section!

10. His girlfriend showed up at a frat party last weekend wearing an outfit she said was designed by a famous Hollywood dressmaker. To me, it looked like it was first designed for a disaster film.

1. Right now the speed limit downtown is 40 MPH - that's MUGGINGS PER HOUR!

2. At least the town's only movie theater is finally featuring something that doesn't include sex, violence or car chases. It's called, 'CLOSED FOR RENOVATION.'

3. My kid just called from college with great news. He's the alternate on the debating team. They call on him whenever they need somebody to say, "Oh yeah!"

4. Went to a muffler shop and was actually 'in and out in 30 minutes.' Trouble is now when I switch on my car radio - I have to reach under the tailpipe!

5. Just ate in a Chinese restaurant that's owned by a corporation lawyer. You could tell - the fortune cookie message was in fine print.

6. Talk about a windy town. Where else can you fly a kite year round - indoors!

7. And POOR. Around here birds don't fly south - they hitch hiked.

8. I'm getting monthly installments of a self-improvement course through the mail. It's called PAYING YOUR BILLS!

9. Farm Subsidy is a program that allows some people to STOP growing crops and START growing fat.

10. My neighbor is a little weird. Last year, on the Marquis De Sade's birthday, he stood in his front yard and gave him a 21 WHIP salute.

11. Ever hear of an exterminator who refuses to make MOUSE calls?

12. I'll tell you what my spouse's cooking is like. We were married three years before I discovered BURNT isn't a flavor.

13. But she's great with animal. Who else can housebreak a goldfish?

14. And last week she trained our parakeet to crop dust the house plants.

15. But you know her greatest worry - is there DUST after death?

16. I gave my love a green Valentine's Day. I bought a head of lettuce, took it to Tiffany's and had it mounted.

17. My doctor does have his sentimental side. Like every Valentine's Day he always gives discount gift certificates good for any open heart surgery.

18. Boy the housing sector must be in REAL trouble. Heard the FEDs just sent out for more red ink.

19. Love how my boss goes about hiring new employees. He's very fair about it - has an affirmative action policy - always hiring YES MEN.

20. I'm mad at my son. First year at college he's supposed to be drinking from the tree of knowledge not the glass of BUDWEISER!

21. My oldest has only been driving three months and the neighbors are picketing City Hall. They're demanding the City put a stop sign at my garage door.

22. But my youngest takes the cake. Tried to run away from home but collapsed after one block. He would have gotten further if he hadn't tried to take the refrigerator.

23. I don't know why the kid's such a big eater considering my wife's cooking. Last Christmas, our guests amused themselves by taking the chocolate chips out of my wife's cookies with a screwdriver!

24. I think she's such a bad cook because of her mother. Whenever she would eat something fattening, her mom would say, "And what do you want to be when you grow OUT?"

25. Of course when it comes to the kitchen, my wife thinks I'M the one with the problem. Just 'cause I serve the kids breakfast cereal on paper plates.

26. Now my wife's brother is something else again. Got a lot of pull. I mean NOBODY is faster at opening pop-top beer cans.

27. Just learned my grandfather believed in reincarnation. Before he died, he left a wake-up call at the funeral home.

28. Having roommates has its advantages and disadvantages. Like this morning. Either I had some strange tasting Grape-Nuts or one of my roommates is re-cycling the coffee grounds.

29. One roommate is a real ladies man. You should see his "little black book." Even has a "yellow pages" section!

30. His girlfriend showed up at a frat party last weekend wearing an outfit she said was designed by a famous Hollywood dressmaker. To me, it looked like it was first designed for a disaster film.

1. Went to a New Year's Eve party that was so dull, at midnight everyone kissed their own wife/husband.

2. In college we used to throw wild New Year's Eve parties. I mean really wild. The people next door didn't complain. The people in the next town did.

3. I was at a New Year's Eve party that got out of hand. We ended up playing strip Pong.

4. Bagdad - an all time tough town. The mailman has to parachute in.

5. Got a great price on my new car because of a slight manufacturing defect. It's a 4-door - and all the doors are on the same side.

6. Hey, I know we're having a drought and must conserve water but "Rub-a-dub-dub, three men in a tub" is ridiculous!

7. You know there's a drought when you see 50 firemen trying to BLOW OUT a 3-alarm fire.

8. Traffic is getting really bad. In fact, just to get on the Freeway this morning I had to get on a waiting list.

9. Rough neighborhood? My neighbor is holding his annual garage sale to clear out all the stuff his kids stole!

10. Yeah, very rough neighborhood. The most popular form of transportation is the stretcher.

11. Just got back from playing the slot machines in Las Vegas. Decided they're really just one-armed cactus in disguise. No matter how I pulled it, I always ended up stuck.

12. My friend went to China for vacation and said it was a wee bit polluted. In fact he had to drink his water with a fork.

13. And he never thought he'd see the day when he could get water colors right from the tap.

14. China maybe a nice place to visit but I wouldn't want to breath there.

15. Got nostalgic and bought some salt water taffy yesterday. Talk about authentic! I chipped a tooth on a barnacle!

16. I used to be superstitious but gave it up when I "knocked on wood" in our new mortgage to the hilt home - and a termite knock back.

17. I should have been forewarned. When I first looked at the house, I realized the only way you could do the Australian Craw in the swimming pool - was with a machete.

18. Things may be getting out of hand here. Heard there's a new SUPER HUGE warehouse store opening and every aisle has a safety island.

19. The local news announced that there won't be a weather report today. Their meteorologist left his coin at home.

20. Scientists are eager to find intelligent life on other planets. While the rest of us are just as eager to find intelligent life in Washington.

21. The wait at doctors offices is getting WAY outta hand. Went for my annual check-up and reception area had a vending machine renting army cots.

22. Then once I FINALLY got to see my doctor I asked how the check-up went. He said, "Let me put it this way. What do you think about euthanasia?"

23. But to top it all off I got the bill from my health insurance carrier and from now on the only payments they'll accept - is gold bullion.

24. Can't wait for the switch to the metric system when my foot-long hot dog becomes a twenty centimeter weiner.

25. Ever get the impression most sports teams moto must be 'We've never met a FELON we didn't like?

26. US Attorney General Eric Holder says the only way he'll resign is when he starts seeing bayonets on cameras.

27. Obama says he wants a fun filled presidency so he's going to appoint a SECRETARY OF SHTICK.

28. GOP presidential candidate Ron Paul is 77 years old and wanted to show how in shape he is. Got the press together and swam 22 laps across the pool in less than an hour. Of course, he CAN go a lot faster when it’s filled with water.

29. Obama is staying sharp and up to date on the issues. Never misses The Daily Show With Jon Stewart.

30. Obama says that after the next presidential election he's going to get to know the White House better. Plans to take the guided tour as often as possible.

31. Fox News announced it will premiere a new show for the duration of the 2012 presidential campaign. It's called ISSUES AND EXCUSES.

32. All these sex stories coming out of Washington are really disillusioning. It's like finding out the lifeguard at your favorite beach can't swim.

33. You can always tell the difference between a liberal and a conservative. If you give them a pair of lint covered socks, a conservative will pick off the fuzz. A liberal will wear them inside-out.

34. Kids nowadays just don't care about politics. I asked my daughter what were her views on Obama's platform and she said, "Personally, I find them very hard to walk in."

35. 'Party unity?' Lately it seems to mean DISAGREEING on the same issues.

36. Believe it or not, they have a Dial-A-Joke service in Washington, D.C. You call up information and they give you the number for Congress.

37. Ask a stupid question and Congress will probably appropriate $1,000,000 to find an answer for it.

38. Know how some spend their day watching soap operas? Not my roommate. She'd rather eat. To her, The Guiding Light comes on when she opens the refrigerator.

39. She is something of an efficiency expert though. Only one I know who runs out of milk and cereal at the same time.

40. She tried to go on a diet once but gave up after a horrible accident. She was looking into a Pastry Shop window - and someone stepped on her tongue.

41. I keep complaining to the landlord about our plumbing. I told him we either have a very damp basement - or an indoor swimming pool.

42. I don't know if I'm lucky or unlucky. When economists predicted the housing boom was just around the corner - I got mugged before I got there.

43. And my office is becoming nothing but one big headache. Things have been so rough lately, when I went to the nurse's station for an aspirin, the only thing she found in bottle - was an I.O.U.

44. This season's new TV shows must be really bad. Keep passing TV repair trucks with bumper stickers that read: BRING BACK RADIO!

45. There's a new green Plasma TV set. Solar powered but there is one little problem with it. The Tonight Show with Jay Leno only comes on at noon.

46. Know why the Loch Ness monster hasn't made an appearance yet? Can't get an agent.

47. It was so windy today, when I went outside to take down my flag - it only had 37 stars!

48. It's a small town all right. If you trip on Second Street, you'll fall on Fourth Street.

49. The cops here absolutely refuse to do 'woman's work.' Heck, they won't even dust for fingerprints.

50. And they're too tough on drunk drivers. Not only do they make them walk the white line - they make 'em paint it!