Speaker's ToolsWatching the process of a joke being switched or re-written is not for the faint of heart. But it may help you in the process of making the copyright free jokes on HumorMall your own. I learned the process first from John Cantu's comedy writing class at the Holy City Zoo which was geared toward comedians and their standup act.
His advice was to go to the public library and look at joke books, particularly Orben. This I did. I would sit there, notebook ready and pen in hand. Since there were so many of them and so many different joke books, I had to develop a system for culling the jokes. Mine was simple. If I thought they were funny, I wrote them down. After performing awhile with the slightly modified jokes I had a more refined understanding of what I needed so I started just looking for punchlines I liked.
After my stand-up act had jelled (i.e. I liked doing it and the audience laughed) I had so much experience in modifying the lead into the punchline that I developed the ability of handling people who actually thought I wanted answers to rhetorical questions. I simply worked what they said into the lead-in (which could be as simple as 'yes' - repeat what they said then a 'but/and/or...') and did my punchline as planned. They weren't insulted (not my style of comedy) and they didn't screw up my act either. A win-win situation.
So if you want an analytical review of a joke rewrite, go to the Original Real World Examples of Editing and Updating Jokesor the new issues of Real World Examples of Editing and Updating Jokes with Paul Giles doing the editing honors in both.
Since I developed my joke writing skills while performing, it's more of a 'feels right' type of a decision for me so no commentary as to why I made certain decisions. Maybe after I have finished publishing all of John's comedy material, I may make a stab at it. But for now, the format in Beat Goes On section will be fairly simple. The original joke from one of John's joke services, then my rewrite.
Susan Cerce
And the Beat Goes On!
- Original Joke: My wife and I joined a nudist colony once. It was terrible. All day long she would stare into the closet and complain she didn't have a thing not to wear.
Paris Hilton joined a nudist colony once. Spent all day long staring into her closet complaining she had nothing to wear.
- Original Joke: Told my wife our sex life was boring. Told her to surprise me some night. Yesterday she did. When I got into bed, she introduced me to three sailors.
She then told her boyfriend du jour their sex life was boring and she was going to surprise him. The next time he got into bed she introduced him to three sailors.
- (New)
Kelly Osbourne wants to move to London. The Daily Mirror article said she pulled at her pink hair and sadly explained why she didn't like living in LA anymore. "It's so fake!"
- Original Joke: Things have been bad economically. I lost my maid, lost my chauffeur, lost my cook. That's right - My wife left me.
Kelly then recounted how once her dad, Ozzy Osbourne lost everything, his maid, chauffeur, cook... Yeah, that's right, Sharon left him.
- Original Joke: Leave a couple of microscopes in the bathroom. That way you can explain the mold as part of a science project.
But Kelly said Ozzy was very resourceful. He would put microscopes in the bathroom so when worried guests questioned him he could explain that the mold there was part of his kids' science project.
- Original Joke: I told her she was the only woman I had ever loved. She said, "Dammit, just once why couldn't I meet an experienced guy?"
When Ozzy and Sharon first met he told her she was the only woman he'd ever loved. It nearly broke them up. Sharon exploded, "Dammit. Just once why can't I meet an experienced guy?"
- Original Joke: Five years after I married my husband he went to pot. I didn't care. When I married him he was on heroin.
Sharon said that five years after they married, Ozzy went to pot. But that was okay with her. When she first married him he was on heroin.
- Original Joke: Money may never bring happiness, but it will never bring poverty either.
When Hotel heiress Paris Hilton got engaged to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis over the weekend the two Paris' were asked about the commingling of their fortunes. They sweetly explained that "Money would never bring them happiness, but it would never bring them poverty either.
- Original Joke: NEWS FLASH! Dateline New York... An ABC spokesman announced today that Howard Cosell suffered a hernia attempting to close his mouth.
NEWS FLASH! Dateline New York... An ABC spokesman announced today that Howard Dean suffered a hernia attempting to close his mouth.
- Original Joke: think the government is conducting secret mind control tests. Every time the boss hears the name Ted Kennedy, he plays "Happy Days Are Here Again" with his armpit.
I think the government is conducting secret mind control tests. Every time the boss hears the name Bill Clinton, he plays "Roll Out the Barrel" with his armpit.
- (New)
Did you hear about that British couple who recently celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary? When asked what was the secret of their 80 years of wedded bliss, they both answered, "Just keep kissing, keep holding hands and keep breathing."
- Original Joke: Do you realize they show films these days that a couple of years ago you couldn't even get developed?
Angelina Jolie is playing tough with the press but it doesn't seem to be helping her much. A reporter managed to ask her what it's like appearing in films that a few years ago you couldn't even get developed.
- Original Joke: I'd sooner burn in hell then be cremated.
When asked about living wills, she said she'd rather burn in hell than be cremated.
- Original Joke: The biggest problem with health foods is that there's nothing to barbecue.
And she has a big problem with health food. There's nothing to barbecue!
- Original Joke: I once took a diet pill. I didn't eat for 24 hours. I was too busy trying to figure out how to get off my roof.
Kelly Osbourne's in drug trouble again. When the British press trashed her latest album and needled her about her weight she decided to take a few diet pills. It worked. For 24 hours she didn't eat. She was too busy trying to figure out how to get off her roof.
- Original Joke: You might have a weight problem if you try to find bars that have a happy hour snack bar that features cookies and jelly rolls.
And Kelly says she's no longer going to bars whose Happy Hours feature cookies and jelly rolls.
- Original Joke: Let me describe my wife's wardrobe this way. Once I overheard two moths after they few in: "Oh, goody, junk food."
But the worse for Kelly Osourne was when the press went after her clothing sense. One paper said that if two moths ever got into her closet they'd be ecstatic - "Oh goody! Junk Food!"
- Original Joke: Man to pal: "Except for a few times when Patricia got so mad she wouldn't speak to me, my life has been one long nightmare."
Tom Cruise waxed on about his new girl friend on Oprah Winfrey's show comparing life with her to his former marriage. "Except for the few times Nicole got so mad she wouldn't talk to me, life was one long nightmare."
- Original Joke: Man to wife: "Of course I remember when we got married. What I can't remember is why."
Then Cruise explained how he knew the end had come. It was when he could remember the when they got married, he just couldn't remember why.
- Original Joke: Macho is when you shave with a hammer and chisel
BREAKING NEWS: Unnamed sports star gives up using steroids when forced to shave using a hammer and a chisel.
- Original Joke: Things are loosening up in Iran. It's still a little different than in the West though. For instance, their league of Women Voters - run by men.(Old Monologue)
During this year's run-up to elections, things have loosened up in Iran though still a bit different than here in the West. For instance, their league of Women Voters - run by men.
- Original Joke: Beautiful? She's the next thing to Susanne Somers - looks just like Alan Hammil.
Is Kelly Osbourne beautiful? Well, she is the next thing to Madonna - looks just like Guy Ritchie
- Original Joke: This is directed to all those women who lose their inhibitions when they have a drink. I'm having a little cheese and wine tasting party at my place next Tuesday.
Twisted Sister is having a medical benefit concert to save the life of one of their sound crew and directed to all women who lose their inhibitions when they drink - You're invited to a cheese and wine tasting party in Ward D, Room 2005.
- Original Joke: Old? Who else has 'GEORGE WASHINGTON SLEPT HERE" tattooed in the inside of her thighs?
Is Hillary Clinton getting old? Who else has "George Washington Slept Here" tattooed on the inside of her thighs?
- Original Joke: I didn't say she has a big mouth, I just said she goes to the beauty salon to get mud packs that are extra large.
I didn't say Angelina Jolie had a big mouth. I just said that when she goes to the beauty salon, her mud packs are sized Extra Large.
- Original Joke: Dumb? Who else buys a diaphragm for their inflatable doll?
Tom Cruise is going to marry Katie Holmes and Tom's pals have already bought him a wedding present - a diaphragm for his inflatable doll.
- Original Joke: Fat? His doctor gives him acupuncture with knitting needles.
Kirstie Alley still fat? Well let's put it this way, her acupuncturist still has to use knitting needles.
- Original Joke: Ugly? He moonlights at (LOCAL JOKE TOWN) zoo as the armadillo.
Joan Rivers said Robert Redford's plastic surgeon should be ashamed of his work and blames him for Redford getting a casting call recently to play (LOCAL JOKE TOWN) zoo's armadillo. And no, she didn't turn down the part!
- (New)
After a series of vicious maulings, San Francisco Mayor Gavin Newsom says, "It's time to get serious about pit bulls in this city. And I DON'T just mean the politicians!"
- Original Joke: Unpopular? Who else gets Dear John chain letters?
Tom Cruise losing his popularity? Well, let's put it this, who else gets Dear John chain letters?
- Original Joke: What a job - floor walker for a massage parlor.
Michael Jackson is getting a few job offers since his acquittal from child molestation charges. Like the Vegas establishment that wants to hire him as a floor walker at a massage parlor.
- Original Joke: He once had a small role in an S&M film. It was a walk-on. He did it on the leading lady.
Michael Jackson also auditioned for a cameo walk-on role in an S&M flick. Lost the role though when he walked on (PAUSE) the leading lady.
- Original Joke: Chain smoking man to friend: "I don't know what I'd do without cigaretts. The only exercise I get is from coughing.
I can't give up smoking for health reasons. Coughing is the only exercise I get!
- Original Joke: You used to use an expression "Go to Hell." Now you just say "Use mass transporation." It's the same as going there.
It used to be "Go to Hell" had meaning. Now it's become interchangeable for directions to (JOKE CITY'S) bus system.
- Original Joke: Sometimes kids are so cute. Like my seven year old was describing cheese to a friend: "It's milk that had a hard life."
Sometimes kids are so cute. Like my seven year old describing cheese to his best bud as "milk that's had a hard life."
- (NEW)
The reason why Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise are together is that she knows how to sweet talk him (PAUSE) "Yes, Master..."
- Original Joke: She's got a certain something. And maybe someday they'll find a cure for it.
Katie Holmes has a certain something. And maybe some day they'll find a cure for him.
- Original Joke: From the makers of Earthshoes comes a new invention: Earth Hats for people who don't know what's up.
Tom Cruise's War of the Worlds publicity tour has caught the notice of the Earthshoes company and they want him to be the spokes person for their new product - Earth Hats: Made for people who don't know which way's up.
- (NEW)
DATELINE HOLLYWOOD: Reality show writers want a union and same pay scale other sitcom writers get. Huh! Writers! You mean Reality ain't REAL
- Original Joke: TV medical shows do influence a lot of people. Now, my daughter wants to will her body to Chad Everett.
All the recent news on living wills have influenced a lot of people. It made my daughter think about it and now she wants to will her body to Brad Pitt.
- Original Joke: My grandfather always believed in reincarnation. In fact, just before he died, he left a wake-up call at the funeral home.
Michael Jackson believes in reincarnation and has left instructions in his living will for a wake-up call.
- Original Joke: My kid brother wants to be a star football player. He practices six hours a day. Three hours running pass patterns, and three hours doing BRUT commercials.
My kid brother wants to be a star baseball player and practices, practices, practices - doing TV commercials.
- Original Joke: I don't want to say he's out of shape, but how many other guys can pull a muscle while typing?
I don't think he's going to make it in the big leagues though. Who else pulls a muscle using the TV remote control.
- Original Joke: Frank Blair and Barbara Walters never got along. I think it was because of a personality conflict - SHE has one.
Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman never got along. I think it was because of a personality conflict - SHE has one.
- Original Joke: Tough? He just won a Demolition Derby, and he didn't even have a car!
The media shouldn't have been surprised when Ranger's pitcher Kenny Rogers shoved one of their cameramen. After all, he's a tough dude. Once won a Demolition Derby and didn't even have a car!
- Original Joke: In fact, a health club just asked him to be in one of their ads. They want him to pose as "Mr. WAY Before"!
In fact, an Anger Management Consultant company wants Rogers to pose in one of their ads as "Mr. WAY Before"!
- Original Joke: I don't want to brag, but my brother-in-law does have a lot of pull. Nobody is faster at opening pop-top beer cans.
And Rogers does have a lot of pull. Nobody is faster at opening pop-top beer cans.
- Original Joke: My wife really hates to wash dishes. Who else serves breakfast cereal on paper plates?
My wife shouldn't have left the kids in charge of the kitchen when she went to visit her parents. To keep from washing dishes, my daughter is serving breakfast cereal on paper-plates.
- Original Joke: I don't think my wife is confident about her upcoming dinner party. It's the little things. Like, the invitations were printed on bottles of Pepto Bismol.
I know the kids need to learn how to take care of their home. And they're sharp kids who think ahead. In fact, for the Fourth of July barbecue, they sent out the invitations on bottles of Pepto Bismol.
- Original Joke: My friend is a real ladies man. You should see his "little black book." It even has a "yellow pages section.
Jude Law admitted he had a fling with his kids' nanny and now fiancee Sienna Miller is getting cold feet. Seems she found his little black book and it has everything, including a "yellow pages" section!
- Original Joke: Dumb? He has to rehearse just to be himself.
Jude Law's ex-wife, Sadie Frost, said she wouldn't describe Jude as self-centered exactly but he does have to rehearse to just be himself.
- Original Joke: I was married once for 90 days. It was three of the worst years of my life.
She went on to say that the first 90 days of their marriage were the three worst years of her life.
- Original Joke: My wife is an overachiever. She doesn't just paint her nails - she does miniature portraits.
She told the report that she wasn't bitter but when asked about Jude's fiancee, Sienna Miller, she described her as an overachiever. Doesn't just paint her nails - she does miniature portraits.
- Original Joke: I need a new typewriter. Every time my old one finishes a sentence, I have to wait a few minutes while it coughs.
I need a new computer. Every time my old one finishes a line, I have to wait a few minutes while it coughs.
- Original Joke: President Reagan is going to try to revive his popularity by beginning fireside chats. He wants to talk to the American people and roast Congress at the same time.
President Bush is keeping up an old Presidential tradition started by FDR - the Fireside Chat - give a talk to the American people and roast Congress at the same time.
